Bad Dream

I had this terrible dream last night. I was coughing and coughing and there was something deep down in my lungs. With every breath I could feel it, rattling deep. No one could hear it or see it. Only I knew it was there. So I coughed, deep and hard. My belly became sore from coughing. There were people from my past, people from my present, and people I don't even know there attempting to help me throughout the dream. It wasn't until I finally breathed deep enough and coughed violently enough to dislodge the blockage that I realized the damage I had done to myself. I looked down into my hands after that final violent cough expecting to discover what had been torturing me. Instead, I only saw blood. Having always been a vivid dreamer, I can tell when a dream means something and when it's just nonense. This dream meant a lot. Here's the story.

My ex-husband and I and our respective spouses have an awesome relationship as far as exes go. They worship with us, we finally have the peace of Christ among us, and Chris and I both enjoy spending time with them when they're here. Lots of people say to me, "I could never do that." I say "never say never." Of course the story didn't begin that way, or we wouldn't be divorced in the first place. There was deep hurt and betrayal on many levels on both sides. There was resentment and even hatred for a long time. But God is bigger than all those things, and now there is new life, healing, and respect.

So last night the four of us had a phone conference regarding Olivia's health insurance, which her dad provides for her. How wonderful to be able to have those conversations which are totally focused on Olivia's well being! Their willingness to  do whatever it takes to take care of Olivia is such a blessing in a world where dads leave their kids every day and never look back. I looked across at Chris, feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for this new life. This moment was part of the harvest of blessing we are reaping for doing things God's way, even when it was difficult. (Galatians 6:9) So why was I a bundle of mixed feelings?

I'll tell you why. Every time we have to have a conversation  like that I am reminded of how her dad and I failed her as parents all those years ago. How we never really tried to make it work. How we built the whole marriage on sin in the first place, dooming it from the first day. How it took the tragedy of divorce to bring many of us to the love of Christ. How different God's plan for marriage is from the way we did it. How the mother in me would rather have Olivia oblivious to the darkness of the world so that her little heart would be safe, if at least for a little while longer.

It's hard to get out from under regret. And it's hard to comprehend that God has removed my sin as far from me as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12) when 'my daughter's lifelong struggle  with the consequences I caused are before me every day. Even though God made me new (2Corinthians 5:17), even though He has taken my every mistake and turned it into something beautiful (Romans 8:28), even though each day I experience the joy and liberty of abundant life more deeply than the day before (John 10:10), every time we have a conversation about Olivia's care, I remember how I failed her. I believe that regret is choking some life out of me I didn't even know about until I had this dream.

 Regret is holding me back. It's threatening to poison my dreams for this new life. Perhaps I've been trying to deal with it quietly only as it arises instead of seeking the medical attention I desperately need. Jesus said "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick....I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Matthew 9:12-13) In light of my dream, I realize this problem is obviously not just a tickle in my throat. It's a dangerous blockage that threatens my very breath of life. I need Him more than ever in ways I didn't even realize.

Is there some secret regret hiding in you today that's threatening your abundant life in Christ? Is there something that continues to rise up in you, even though you always push it back down and try to forget about it? Take it to Jesus. He's the only one who can cure either one of us. And I happen to know from personal experience that He's the absolute best in His field.

Dear Jesus, I trust in Your mercy today. Thank You for Your patience with me. Thank You for showing me that what I considered a small ailment is really a dangerous disease. I open my heart to you today and ask You to search it, right down to the smallest, hidden corners. Find what ails me, Lord, and heal me through and through.

In His precious love,

Amy

copyright 2010, Amy Wallace