Being Green (And not in a good way...)

Jealousy seems to be the lesson of the day. Since Olivia had her fit over the sparkly blue flower yesterday, I can't tell you how many mentions I've heard of jealousy everywhere I turn. I've heard at least two radio preachers talking about it, and what I keep hearing them teach about is the self -centered sentiment that "It's not fair!!" Hmmm....sounds familiar. What is God trying to say to me?

I am always wary when I hear a teaching and my first thought is, "I don't think that's my problem. I don't struggle with that." The truth is, the longer I listen and the deeper I dig, I will always find something I didn't know was there. All this teaching, preaching, and talking about jealousy has got my attention. It all started several days ago when I read the story of David and Saul in the Bible.

In 1Samuel 18:6-8, we witness the birth of a life consuming jealousy in Saul. "As they returned home, after David had killed the Philistine, the women poured out of all the villages of Israel singing and dancing, welcoming King Saul with tambourines, festive songs, and lutes. In playful frolic the women sang,

Saul kills by the thousand,

David by the ten thousand!

This made Saul angry—very angry. He took it as a personal insult. He said, "They credit David with 'ten thousands' and me with only 'thousands.' Before you know it they'll be giving him the kingdom!" From that moment on, Saul kept his eye on David. "

 

Notice how it started so small. I'll bet Saul stayed awake at night thinking about that. I'll bet every little thing that happened reminded him of that moment. I'll bet he began to resent all the things he loved about David at first. Eventually, his resentment drove him mad. He did outrageous things, alienated everyone who loved him, and caused other people to sin in his pursuit of David's life. He even fooled himself into thinking that God was pleased with his vengeful actions. That's the tricky thing about jealousy. It always starts small, and we think it's no big deal. We shove it down and ignore it. But in those dark, cold corners of our hearts, it grows exponentially. It's kind of like kudzu; it will overtake you until you can barely see the life underneath it.

 

So what's God saying to me about that? I didn't really know until I pulled up my blog page this morning. I clicked on another blog I follow to see what someone else was up to, and on her blog there was a link to another blog. (Ah, the wonder of technological connection!) Now, I don't know these people, but the title on their latest post said "We're expecting baby #3!" And there it was. That tiny little jab in the heart. That split second drop in my gut, like an elevator lurching. Against my will, my heart cried out, "That's not fair! Why not me?" Now I hear God loud and clear.

After babysitting a delightful 3 year old and then holding a 4 month old baby girl for two hours on Tuesday, baby fever is raging. Chris and I talk about it often, how we want to make a baby. We haven't been necessarily trying, but we're not trying NOT to get pregnant either. We've decided to leave it up to God and trust in His timing. But in my heart where no one else can see, every month when the chance ebbs away, I grieve silently. I do the math. I hear that biological clock ticking. And then I wait to see what might happen next month.

This has never happened to me before. Olivia was conceived almost instantly after the decision was made, so this waiting is new. I'm not very good at it. And I hate  feeling that pang every time someone else comes up pregnant. I don't want to resent their joy. Like Olivia's little pink flower, I want to treasure the blessings that are just for me and only look joyfully at everyone else's. I thought I had already learned this lesson when I suddenly found myself husband-less and noticed every happy family on the planet every time I left the house.

So now I must lean on what I know that I know. God is ALWAYS enough. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient for me. (2 Corinthians 12:9) He had this all planned out a  long time ago. (Psalm 139:16) His plan is to prosper me, and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11) He promised that I would find Him when I seek Him with all my heart. (Jeremiah 29:13) To overcome this envy, I must seek Him openly, honestly, and completely with a heart that aches for new life. Only then will I be ready to receive whatever His answer may be.

Father, help me to trust You, even with my deepest desires. Thank You for showing me that jealousy IS my issue. Search my heart, O God. Make my heart clean of anything that threatens my closeness with You. You are my treasure above all things, and I want to live and love in a way that proves my total trust in You. Have your way with me, Lord, and help me find peace in Your answers.

In His merciful love,

Amy

copyright 2010, Amy Wallace