I'm in a season of uncovering and learning myself right now. Several significant events, all orchestrated perfectly by God, have brought me to this place, and it's sort of like dominoes standing in a row. Once the first one fell, the process was started. One revelation leads to the next. So far it's been difficult but exciting, sad but necessary. You see, the world has a way of damaging people. We find ways of "protecting" ourselves which turn us out looking like totally different people than the ones God created us to be. I've been surprised at some of the things I'm learning about myself.
I always believed that I never knew how to be a child, which is true. I was a worrier from the beginning, so I didn't know how to just relax and play. My first words should have been "what if?". Fearful and painfully insecure, that was me. From birth to about age thirty five I believed that I was a shy little mouse. I was wrong. I love to connect deeply with people. I wasn't shy; I was afraid.
My biggest revelation about myself came a couple of weeks ago, though, when I realized that, not only did I not know how to just be a child, more importantly, I didn't know how to be a girl. For a variety of reasons, in my world, it was safer to be a boy. So I grew into a tomboy. I wanted my hair short, just like my brother. I played in the dirt with him. For heaven's sake, I even tried to pee standing up! What disappointment every single time when it didn't work, and I was still a GIRL! I wanted nothing to do with being female, and for the next about 35 years, I had no idea how to relate to little girls who embraced their femininity.
Enter Rachel, 2013. She is in my Sunday School class. Rachel is six and the epitome of girliness. I love to have her twirl in her beautiful dresses (a pleasure I have never experienced myself.) She loves pink and purple things. She knows how to bat her eyelashes and get what she wants. Sometimes she spontaneously bursts into song. Some Sundays, she carries two purses, because one just isn't enough. All this, and she still knows how to get her hands dirty with the best of the boys. This amazing little person has three older brothers and still somehow maintains her identity as a beautiful but strong and unique little girl. I love her.
Yesterday, Rachel was sad. She sat with me during worship, which some of my kids like to do. This Sunday, her mom had been out of town caring for her own mom after surgery. This little girl was missing her mama. During the offering time, she shared her heart with me and then sat on my lap during the song. I wrapped my arms around her and rocked her to the rhythm of the music. To my surprise, she fell asleep!! I was so touched by her vulnerability. I had never seen this side of her. I was honored that she trusted me so much. Even though no one could ever take Mama's place, I let my heart overflow in prayer for her and did my very best that day to try and fill in the gap. For that moment, I was able to comfort her, and I felt that my purpose for that day was fulfilled.
It's hard to go back to painful places in our lives and face the things we have lost or never had. When it was brought to my attention that I never had a twirly dress as a girl, I cried. But God is comforting me. He is showing me that it's not too late for me. Not only can I still learn to twirl, I am raising a beautiful daughter of my own who still secretly has to twirl in every dress she tries on before she wants to take it home. And now, I have a class full of beautiful girls at church who listen to me and look to me and share their hearts with me. What a great responsibility!! God is giving me the chance to teach them and to learn from them. They will have broken hearts sometimes, and I will know how to comfort them, because God has comforted me. Miss Amy's room is a place that's safe for them AND for me. And that brings ME healing.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) Thank You, God, for showing me who You created me to be, and thank You for using that beautiful person to make a difference to others.
In His healing love,
Amy
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