Confessions of a Chronic Planner

Sigh.... I am a planner. I like to have a plan. I like to have a plan B, just in case plan A doesn't pan out. And I like to have a plan C tucked in my back pocket, just in case. Life is crazy; you never know.  I find comfort in having a plan. Having a plan feels secure. It feels safe. But what is a planner to do when NOTHING goes the way you thought it would?

My daughter continued to have seizures yesterday. Once, while we were sitting in her pediatrician's office for an unrelated issue, she had one that scared her so badly, she was in my lap, arms clasped tightly around my neck, begging through frightened tears to go see the neurologist. I had called  his office Monday when this had all started, and here we were almost 24 hours later with no reply. So I called back again and talked to someone. They promised they would talk with the doctor and call me back. After almost five hours and countless seizures later, still no response. That was IT.

I went back to the pediatrician, who was aware of my issues with this neurologist's office, and spoke with a nurse about getting a referral to a second opinion. I had hoped we could stay with the one we already had. Olivia likes him. I like him. He's here in town. But, there have always been unanswered questions about her diagnosis. And his staff has behaved in inexcusable ways. Last time we saw him, I addressed these issues with him, and here we are, two or three months later. Nothing has changed.

Now, we are facing the certainty of having to go out of town to find a doctor who will help us.  On top of the unique experience of sleeping with a baby monitor by our bed and listening for seizures in my sleep, my mind is also filled with thoughts of what this trip will be like. My mind is trying to plan out an un-plannable experience. I imagine getting lost  either at MUSC or in downtown Charlotte, trying to find whatever doctor we get sent to like a needle in a haystack. I imagine big hospitals. I imagine the logistical nightmares of having a doctor two hours away. Might we have to spend nights away from home to get the proper testing done? Sigh. I'm tired just thinking about it.

This is where God meets me every time. He knows about my chronic planning disorder, and I know exactly what He's doing. He's working me through to the only cure--total trust. The answer is simple, but not easy: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6) Even though He is God and I know He is able, my mind still resists trusting in a plan I can't read through to the end. I only get a step revealed to me at a time. That's what Psalm 119:105 means: "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." A lamp doesn't illuminate the whole road; it only makes clear my next step. I just need to trust Him for the very next step and leave all the planning to Him. Sigh....is there a Planners Anonymous meeting somewhere around here?

Father, help me to trust You for the next step only. Help me to surrender this need to have this whole thing mapped out. I do trust You, and I want to prove it by allowing my mind to rest, even in this crazy dark place. Thank You that Your grace is sufficient for me. I may be needing a double portion today.

In His able love,
Amy


copyright 2010, Amy Wallace