God, my Father

I'm not sure if God has been speaking more loudly to me lately or if it's just that I've been listening more intently. Either way, I'm getting the message loud and clear. As I have made major breakthroughs in learning to trust Him this last year (in relationships, in parenting, etc), He is showing me more and more areas of my life in which I'm struggling to relenquish control. The crazy part is that I never even saw that I was struggling.

Last week I was having a difficult morning. I was stressed out and running behind, trying my best not to bark orders at my daughter as if she were a boot camp recruit. Then a friend called, right on time as usual, with a profound word of encouragement for me. I was venting about all the committments and obligations that were eating up my time lately. I was crying about how I couldn't seem to organize all the craziness of my life to make time for myself, which I desperately needed at that very moment. I was frustrated with myself for not "getting it right" and feeling hopeless, as if I never would. I don't even remember how the conversation ended up where it did. All I remember is this analogy she made.

"God is your Father," she reminded me. "He's just proud of you that you're trying-you don't have to get it perfect for Him to be pleased with you. It's like when you learned to ride a bike. Your dad held on to the seat and encouraged you. He picked you up when you fell and put you back on the bike so you could try again. That's how God is!"

With laser precision, God revealed to me the heart issue that was keeping me from truly trusting Him. Even though my dad and I have now reconciled and we love each other dearly today, the truth is that my father was NOT the dad who walked behind that bike encouraging me. He was NOT proud just because I tried. He was frustrated, aggravated, and angry when I failed. I still remember the intense stress of trying to learn to ride a bike. It felt exactly the way I feel when I struggle to "get it all together" and I fail today. I knew in my head that God was my Father, but my heart was still relating to Him as a dad who expected perfection.

The Word tells us that  "it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9) There is nothing I can do to make God love me more- or less! He doesn't love me because of who I am, but because of who HE is. I don't have to have it all together for Him to be pleased with me. He just wants all of me, the good, the bad, AND the ugly. I can trust Him to still be there with open arms when I do fail. And He will be cheering me on when I succeed. Once again I'm learning that His Kingdom is backwards from the world. In the world, you have to perform perfectly to achieve approval and success. In God's Kingdom, victory only equals surrender to"a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." (Psalm  86:15) I am so grateful for that, now that my training wheels are gone.

Father, thank You for Your patience toward me. Thank You for continuing to shine Your light in the dark places of my heart. Even though it's painful to deal with issues I thought were resolved long ago, I thank You for Your gentleness and compassion in helping me overcome them. Thank You that Your love makes all things new, even my tired old heart.

In His eternal love,

Amy

copyright 2010, Amy Wallace