God's Eye View

When I was younger, I was afraid of EVERYTHING. Bees, roller coasters (I still have that one!), meeting new people. I remember refusing to speak to little old white haired ladies in the very distant past when my family still went to church. I hated going to school....I was THAT kid, the cryer. You know. As I got a little older, I knew everyone at school, but I remember only getting so close. And then, right before 8th grade started, my friend David, whom I'd known since first grade, died in a gun accident. Then I really spiraled.

Every year after that until graduation, someone I knew died. I was constantly terrified that I would be next. I literally walked around with a bottle of Pepto Bismol for a couple of years. Fear was eating me up from the inside out. It continued into young adulthood. I found toxic friends who were just as afraid as I was and we made bad choices together that allowed us to ignore the realities of life. Drugs and alcohol are a great band aid for a minute. You get relief at first. But putting a band aid on a sucking chest wound is incredibly ineffective and even dangerous when that band aid is dipped in poison. 

There was so much I didn't understand then. After I was grown, I believed for a time that my mom had caused my crippling fear. She never made me do anything uncomfortable, I thought. If she had just challenged me more, I would have known that I could survive failure. But then I had my own children, raised them differently than I had been raised, and guess what? They were scaredy cats too! That's when I realized there was so much more going on than I ever knew.

Turns out, my mother feared many of the things I feared. She had been paralyzed by a crippling fear of death in her 20's, and by the time my life started to unfold in much the same way, she still didn't know how to deal with her own fear, much less mine. There was an enemy at work that I never noticed, and he was good at his job. In fact, I come from a very long line of worriers. It is a generational curse. I never understood the big picture until I knew Jesus. He has a marvelous, gentle, and perfect way of unraveling the knots in my heart, and I've been shocked at how far back in my family the entanglement goes.

As I grow older and closer to Jesus and He  shows me His perspective - a God's eye view of my life - more and more, I find that things aren't what I thought or even what I remember. Many times I can't even trust my own memories! Imagine my surprise when an aunt once told me this story of two year old me, feisty, confident, funny - and unafraid! I honestly don't remember being that girl. But I was. How grateful I am that someone remembers me that way. What a jewel her memory of me is! It gives me hope. Even if I don't remember doing what she told me I did, there are moments when my heart remembers. Jesus keeps reminding me that's who I really am. 

I no longer live in fear. The biggest turning point in my walk with Jesus was when He gave me permission to go to the worst case scenario. He said, "Go ahead, think of what you imagine is the absolute worst way this could turn out." So I did. I sat with that for a minute and followed it to the end. And He gently whispered, "And where am I in all that?" And I closed my eyes and imagined....and He was still right there. Holding me. Holding me up. Helping me go on. Even though my heart would be breaking, I would be safe. And that was enough.

And now, every time I see one of my children do the thing that frightens them, I rejoice! Every time I watch them taking a risk to try something new, my heart warms inside my chest. Every time they fail well, I am so grateful. By trusting Jesus and allowing Him to take the power out of my fear, I broke the generational curse. It wasn't just about me or my mom....it went way back. And here is where it ends so abundant life can begin.

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]. John 10:10

Jesus, thank You for your patience with me. Thank you for staying with me through all the years I wasn't ready to reach for You. And thank You for still being there when I finally did. Thank you for abundant life. Help me to choose it every single day I have left.