I dreamed about my mama last night. Just before Thanksgiving, she will have been gone for eight years. EIGHT YEARS! It's hard to believe I have survived without her that long. Through all the years of my life, through my very difficult childhood, my even more difficult teen years, through her selfishness and mine, through all the times we were distant, through all of the ways we hurt each other along the way, by the time she died, we were so close. Such healing came through the years I was able to care for her at the end. That was such an incredible blessing to both of us, and it also made it SO hard when she left. I remember counting the days, and then the weeks, and now the years after she died. I remember thinking, "It's been four whole weeks since I've talked to her." Her death was a milestone, a defining moment that split my life into before and after. I'm still learning how to navigate that change.
So this morning, this ordinary morning that's not an anniversary of anything important, I dreamed of her. I grieved in my sleep, weeping the way I only do in dreams, with my whole body, my whole broken heart, with a voice that cries out unashamed. I woke with the evidence pouring down my cheeks. That's always such a strange way to wake into the day. It took me a moment of just being still and sitting with the sorrow.
Then I woke up and did a few things and checked my Release Radar on Spotify (I am a music junkie, y'all.) And I heard this song, and I began to remember. All the goodness that came of my mom's suffering, all the ways that God healed us both through her pain. Yes, I remembered the heartache in caring for her and helping her die in the way she wanted - peaceful, loved - but I also remembered the goodness and the grace every step of the way. I couldn't remember one without the other. And that, sweet mamas, is how God redeems.
God has this beautiful way of taking the mess we're in (whether it's of our own making or has just been thrust upon us) and turning it into something so beautiful and amazing that we can't dare regret all the ways we found ourselves in the mess in the first place! The greatest example is the cross. The entire Bible points toward Jesus as our Redeemer. We can't celebrate our freedom in Him without remembering the agony He experienced in buying us back. And because of that freedom, when we surrender our lives to Him, He can and will transform every aspect of us into something beautiful and new. What a thing to celebrate!
But don't wait until you see the work finished! Praise Him even now! While we are grieving or struggling, we still can and must rejoice. In the middle of the struggle, in the middle of the argument with your stubborn child, in the middle of your confusion about how to speak to your child or your parent or your friend, in the middle of all the WORK it takes to keep your household alive and thriving, in the middle of praying for their comfort or salvation, in the middle of carrying the burdens of others. In the middle of wherever you find yourself, praise Him! Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) The same God who saved your soul is saving your life daily. He is redeeming, He is transforming. He is turning your ashes into beauty. You can trust His heart for you and KNOW that no matter where you find yourself today, He is working.
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:1-3)
In His Redeeming Love,
Amy
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