Free Falling

Last month (on my mom's birthday, in fact), I injured my right knee. It didn't seem like a big deal at first. I squatted down (since I'm not supposed to lean over with my bad back) and got a small pain in the back of my knee. I didn't notice it much until the next morning, when I was unable to put any weight on it. To make a long story short, I am no longer cleaning houses. In one way, it is a huge relief not to have to work so hard every day. It is hard work to clean all day long. Because of inherited arthritis, worsening back issues (despite having the best chiropractor in the world!), and now these knee problems which have been brewing for a while, my body can't take it anymore. God has told me clearly that enough is enough. So I have been staying home with my children, and I have to admit that I have loved doing that.

On the other hand, I have cleaned houses for ten years now. When my first husband left my then three year old daughter and me, this was the way God made for us to survive. It was a serendipitous and heaven orchestrated career. My cleaning business supported us until I married my second husband. And then when he lost his job a couple of years into our marriage, it supported our family. When my mom moved in with us, my cleaning business kept us going. It allowed me to be home with my mom during her last months on earth. My cleaning business was the reason I was at home with her when she died. Cleaning houses has been great therapy for me, and I have made many dear friends who gave me the honor of caring for them and their homes. And suddenly, after squatting down and reaching into a bottom cabinet for a bowl one night, it all ended. It was over, just like that. I did not expect it to end so abruptly, and I did not expect such deep grief from this loss.

How do I, after all these years of working hard to make ends meet, just sit back and watch the bills coming in with perfect peace? Thank God, my husband started his new job on the very day I hurt my knee. Still, it has been a scary roller coaster ride this last month. We were expecting to finally have two incomes, and the bills just keep coming. God has always shown me ways to work harder, pick up more clients to fill in the gaps. Now I can't. He's telling me no. And I don't know how to be okay with that. It's so hard to be in a place of lack when His Word keeps telling me He will take care of all my needs. (Matthew 6:32-33) But I think what is even more difficult is realizing that my faith is not as deeply rooted as I thought.

I wish I could be a person who never worries. I want to be the Christian who never lets any crisis get to them, they just keep on trusting, no matter how bad things get. But do those people even exist? I mean, even Jesus struggled in the garden of Gethsemane. God has taken care of me for the last ten years in ways I could never have imagined. I have seen His faithfulness in so many amazing ways. But when the money is gone and I can't pay for health insurance anymore and the a/c compressor in the car dies in the hottest part of summer and my little boy starts having breakthrough seizures again, all in the midst of me crying out to the Lord for help, where is my faith then? I think my grief is not so much for the lost job, but for the lost faith. Perhaps my only prayer should be, "Lord, help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

I have no insightful answers to any of my own questions this time. There is no resolution to tie this mess up in a positive bow and make it feel better. I believe that God is allowing every safety net I had to fall away. It is the only way for me to truly know in the darkest part of my soul that He will catch me. I want more faith. My earthly wisdom tells me that the way He should give it to me is to provide for all my needs as I ask Him to. But Kingdom wisdom is always the opposite of what makes sense here on the fallen earth. (Luke 9:48, Matthew 20:16)  If I want more faith, the way He will give it to me now is to let every other thing I've ever depended on go away. And THEN I will find out how dependable He is. I must cling to every precious truth I have learned about my Father. I must remember that He never changes. (Hebrews 13:8, Malachi 3:6) And then, with Jesus my only safety net, I must take a deep breath, let the tears fall as they may, and let myself fall, trusting that He will, indeed catch me.