Too Good NOT To Be True

In September, I attended a women's conference. By the time it came around, I didn't want to go. I struggle in large groups, especially in groups of women. By the time I walked in the door, I was a total mess! I actually felt physically anxious, heart racing. Everything in my body wanted to run out of there and never come back! This was the old Amy. She was always insecure, never felt good enough to fit in. She always believed she was the invisible girl. What the old Amy didn't know (and the new Amy forgot that day) is that she was never invisible. That was just a big, fat lie.

An amazing, godly woman I had met a at a prior conference saw me and she came to welcome me. With her arms around me, she asked gently, "Are you okay?" And I told the truth. No, I was not okay. No, I don't do well in big groups. She encouraged me and prayed for me the rest of that day. 

The Word was powerful that weekend, and so were that woman's prayers. God's Word and His presence softened my heart and many tears flowed. When I thought there were no tears left, He would speak more truth to me, and the healing fountain poured down my cheeks again. I wasn't sure what was happening in me, but it felt like sweet relief. 

The last morning, with a totally open heart, I experienced the healing of Jesus like never before. Through everything He showed me that weekend, there came a moment when I understood that the depth of my sorrow over losing Poppy wasn't just about her. It was about me not believing God's love for me. I didn't REALLY believe I was worth pursuing. Even after His revelation of mercy to me, I still didn't REALLY believe I was worth the trouble I must be causing Him now. Something in me, some broken little girl place in my heart, had been whispering in the dark. 

"See?" she whispered. "He doesn't really want you to have good things. You don't really deserve them anyway. It was too good to be true...." In my grief, I believed those lies. And they crushed me.

The amazing thing is that I didn't even know that place in me was still broken. In Jeremiah 33:3, God says "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." I had to ask Him. I had to invite Him. When I asked Him to "Search me, God, and know my heart," (Psalm 139:23), He did. But I had to open that door to Him. He would never force His way in. God is such a gentleman.

Have you invited  Him to search your heart lately? What painful place do you still have locked inside? Do you really trust Him with everything you are?  I'm here to tell you that His love is bigger than any wound. He is able and He is willing to heal whatever damage has been done. He is too good NOT to be true. Trust Him. Let Him convince you of His great love today.

Father, I thank You for pursuing me. I thank You for walking with me through the darkness. I thank You for Your perfect timing. I thank You for Your perfect love which never fails. I will trust You all the days of my life.