I'm feeling so emotional these last several days....pondering this decision we've made to bring another little person into the world. The magnitude of this responsibility weighs very heavily on me, because this time, I know exactly what we're getting into. Today was ultrasound day. And even though I've known there was a baby in there, since I don't feel much movement yet, seeing that little body squirming inside me made everything so REAL.
Just as I suspected all along, it's a boy. We saw his heart, his brain, his arms and legs, his little face on that grainy screen. I'm not quite sure how to put my feelings into words at the moment, except to quote Elizabeth Stone when she said, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." That is the truth, so I will cherish these next months when he is safe inside my belly.
As I look back on all I've been through with my beautiful daughter - the divorce, the seizure disorder, the tumor in her arm, the countless hurts she's experienced as she's learned what a hard place the world really is - I have to take a moment to wonder...can I really do this all over again? Do I really have it in me to start all over again with another precious little baby? To teach him little by little how to go out in the world and make it without me? Sigh...now's a fine time to wonder!
My only comfort in moments like these is 2 Corinthians 12:9. "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
God's grace is sufficient for me. It is more than enough. When I get to the place where I can't go on, His grace will carry me. When I handle a situation wrong, His grace will teach me how to make it right. When I can't be there to protect my kids, His grace will be their shield. When I don't have the strength left to do it another day, His grace will restore me and help me to go on. His grace has always been more than enough for me. And He said Himself that "I, the Lord, do not change." (Malachi 3:6) So I believe that the same grace that has covered me, carried me, and shielded me this far will not fail me now or ever.
I know I can do this, not because I'm supermom, but because God is a perfect God. So I will boast in the fact that I am scared to death! I will brag that I don't feel strong enough, young enough, or wise enough to do this again. Without Him, I am none of those things. But with God, all things are possible! (Matthew 19:26)
Father, thank You that Your grace is always enough to fill in the gaps where I fall short. Thank You for the confidence I can have in You because of who You are. Thank You for all the years and all the ways You've proven Your faithfulness to me. You are the very best Father of all, and with You as my example, I know that everything will be just fine.
In His perfect love,
Amy
copyright 2011, Amy Wallace
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