The Valley of the Shadow of Death

I haven't written much about Olivia's surgery back in June, and I'm not sure why. It was such a consuming experience at the time that there was just no room for words. And then after it was over, the whole thing seemed so far behind us. But there was one moment of it that has been heavy on my heart, so for whoever needs to hear it, here it is.

The weeks leading up to the surgery were difficult ones for me. When my daughter was first diagnosed with this tumor in one of the long bones of her arm, my first fear was obvious: cancer. My medical knowledge tormented me as I walked through the possible outcomes in my mind. As I waited those many days for the results of her MRI, I thought about what our life might be like in the days to come. I wanted to be as prepared as I could for the possibility of that devastating moment. How would I tell her? I decided right then that, if it came to that, I would shave my head first so she wouldn't be alone in her baldness. I imagined sleepless nights in hospitals and phone calls to relatives who lived far away. How many times would I have to say it to break the news to everyone? The days awaiting those test results were dark and long and lonely.

But in that dark place, the light of Christ shone brightly. It was easy to find Him there. He gave me that time to wrestle with my own fear and figure out what it meant for my faith. Did I REALLY trust Him? Was I willing to hand over this precious child completely to Him and follow wherever He saw fit to lead us? Was I ready to believe that Romans 8:28 was true, even in this terrible situation?  Even in the valley of the shadow of death, could I really find a place of refuge from the fear of evil? Through those days I cried a lot. I wrestled with fear and doubt constantly. I fought my way through by faith, and in the end, the answer to all of those questions was yes.

Somehow, by the day of the surgery, I was calm. Even after getting the MRI report that it was not cancer, I had made peace with the fact that we couldn't know for absolutely sure until the pathology came back from the surgery.  When the moment came that she had to go without us into the operating room, I handed her over to the anesthesiologist, who carried her away as she cried.

And here is the moment that has been heavy on my heart these days. Here is the moment I will cherish forever. Though I had expected to cry, I didn't. I had expected to be overwhelmed with feelings of utter helplessness and fear. But I wasn't. Instead, the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guarded my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7) His peace, like a heavy, warm blanket, settled over me, and I knew that she would be okay. Even in the worst case scenario, God would be with her, because He had promised that , "As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Joshua 1:5) I clung to those words as we walked bravely down the hospital hallways. His Word came back to me in the moment I needed it most, and I stood on the sovereignty of His promise. And, praise His holy name, today she is perfectly healthy, with only a small scar to remind of us of the ordeal!

If you're facing something big and bad today, don't wonder how you'll make it through. You may feel in this moment like you don't have what it takes to make it, and you might not. But that's okay. When you arrive in that difficult place, His grace will be waiting. You can't save today's grace for tomorrow. His mercies are new every single morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23) God's provision meets you right where you are in the moment that you need it. All you have to do is trust that it will be there waiting for you when you get there, and it will. God's grace never fails.

Father, thank You that You are a very present help in my time of trouble. Thank You that Your grace is always enough. Help me to live in this moment and trust that when difficult times come, everything I need will be waiting for me there.

In His perfect love,

Amy

copyright 2010, Amy Wallace